Girl Talk-Guy Talk
by Jesus.Lives
Summary: When the girls and guys in TDAS are separated they talk about each other... naturally. Now up: the Villainous Vulture's guys rate the TDAS girls. Obvious pairing references (and some not so obvious).
1. girl talk

_A/N; My fanon ships are dying in TDAS. No Joning! No Scourtney! No Camerra! Oh well._

_But I am all about seeing Alheather and more Samota (or whatever it's called)._

_This is a quick fic based on what I think the girls and the guys on each team would talk about while they're separated. I will have slight shipping hints in there. There's a Jo/Duncan hint there too. So first up it's the Vulture's girls chatting about the guys._

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_**Girl Talk/Guy Talk**  
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"So let's talk guys," Heather said expressively sitting on her bunk bed after the day's challenge.

Jo groaned.

Gwen was dumbfounded. "You're kidding me right? What's you motive?"

"No motive, I was just hoping us girls could get along and share some common ground. We _are_ all in this together."

This was even more suspicious, Heather was not the definition of a team player. "Since when?" Gwen asked.

"Since now," Heather responded quickly. "And besides don't you think they're all in there right now talking about _us_? This way is only fair."

"Talking about which of us they want to eliminate first that is," Jo said.

Heather ignored her. "So I'll go first. I was a little weary at first about Alejandro coming back but it seems to be working out quite nicely. Not that I want him around, but he's certainly showing some benefits to our team."

"You're just saying that because you want some Latin hot spa action out of him," Gwen replied. Not that she did herself too... much. Though a shirtless Alejandro could do funny things to a girl - even a very attached girl.

"I do not," said Heather smoothly, not missing a beat. "I completely forgot all about him while he was in that robot suit," she waved her hand in the air. "So what about the guys on our team. Scott? And Lightning?"

"Lightning was dropped on his head as a baby," Jo scoffed.

"Yeah, I kind of gathered that from him. I didn't watch much of last season," Gwen admitted. She was stuck being in one episode when Chris buried her underground AGAIN, so she hadn't wanted to watch it. That turned her right off. "Was he always so sha-sha-stupid?"

"Pretty much. You've just got to know how to manipulate him," Jo snapped her fingers. "But I'm not going to tell you my tricks. _I'm_ using them."

"Ah, so you just flirt with him then?"

If looks could kill Heather would be dead on the spot. Jo's eyes stayed narrowed at the villain's most bitchiest girl. "I don't flirt with that bucket o' beef." Come to think of it, Jo didn't want them thinking she was going around flirting at all. "I don't flirt with anybody! It isn't my style. Even though I know it works for Goth Ball."

Heather snickered.

"Hey! I don't flirt with everyone. I _have_ a boyfriend thank you very much."

"So is it easy to go around stealing boyfriends?" asked Jo curiously.

"What? _No_!" Gwen hadn't meant to, but no one seemed to believe her.

"Hey, I'm just curious. I don't know. I just wanted to know how it's done."

"Why?" Heather asked, "is there a boyfriend you're thinking of stealing?"

Jo's face flushed red, "Hell no. The only one's attached are Nut Job Mike, Freak Lover Sam and Duncan Does Total Drama."

"Hey! Duncan's not a bad guy... well he is," he was on the villain's team obviously, "but he's not a man whore!"

"Sorry, I meant to say _Gothy_ does Total Drama. Anyway, it's not like there's anyone on here I'd like to partner up with, so yeah, I'm much happier staying single."

"That sounds like you're trying to convince yourself," Heather pointed out.

"No I'm not, I just don't need some bonehead getting in my way to victory!" Jo protested and then looked at her hands, "Besides, it's not like I have guys lining up to go out with me. It's not like I'm Gwen."

"Hey!"

"Why do so many guys like Gwen?" Heather asked Jo, "I mean it's not like she's even that hot."

"I'm right here guys."

"I dunno. I guess it looks like she'd put out," replied Jo shrugging.

"Arrrghhh!" Gwen said, fully exasperated and took a leap off her bed to tackle Jo onto the ground.

Heather just laughed her tinkling little laugh and started filing her nails. "Well that was fun. We should talk guys more often."

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_Who should go next? I might develop more if you give me ideas/encouragement.  
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	2. guy talk

_A/N; Thanks to Starryoak for all your suggestions. Also TheQueenofBooks1000, JockShipper and Leo. It's because of you guys that I'm updating already. This is set after the first Lindsay elimination and maybe I'll write a new one for after each episode to keep it in canon. If you guys want.  
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_I wanted to put more about my ships in there but I had to keep it realistic. And realistically none of the guys would want to "do" Jo. So yeah, this is all sexual banter. As guys do._

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_**Girl Talk/Guy Talk**  
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"Soooo, Heather on a scale of one to ten. How do-able?" Duncan asked the guys, laying on his back on his bed with his hands up under his head.

"Seven," Scott answered first, "but she'd probably eat you afterwards so that drops her down to a three."

"Sha-sexy. Lightning would tap that."

"A perfect ten out of ten," said Alejandro.

"She's not listening dude," Duncan told him.

"Okay fine. A nine out of ten, six out of ten when it's first thing in the morning." Heather's morning face was frightening.

"Since we're doing this, what about Duncan's gothy girlfriend?" Scott smirked.

"Ten," said Duncan quickly.

"Sha-bam. Sha-Lightning would be all over that."

"Seriously? Dude! She's my girlfriend."

"Yeah, but she's hot," said Scott. "I'm in with Lightning, totally do her. Except does she really wear that much makeup all the time? Because that's kind of gross. Does it come off in the sack? And then she's all looking at you like the Joker with smeared makeup everywhere? That would turn _me_ off, I don't know about _you_."

"Her make-up doesn't come off already!" said Duncan.

"Well I agree with my companions. Gwen would be in my top five."

"Your top five? Tell me Lindsay is in that list, dude."

"Mmm," Alejandro pretended to ponder on it. "She's more of a six or seven."

"So what about the ever-manly Jo?" Scott asked, laughter in his voice. "Could you imagine it? She'd probably be coaching you in bed, like barking commands at what to do," Scott shuddered. "Yeah, if I wasn't having nightmares about Fang every night, that'd be giving me nightmares."

"I don't know, Jo's alright," said Duncan.

"Yeah but would you do her?" Scott pressed.

"Depends how sober I am," Duncan replied with a shrug.

"Seriously?" Scott doubted that, even drunk Jo was still abrasive, plain and downright frightening. "What about you guys?"

"Well, _ahem_," Alejandro cleared his throat, "I'm sure there are some qualities that some men, perhaps in the Amazon, would find attractive."

"Sha-please. Lightning is still wondering why she's not a dude. And she's sha-scary."

"Speaking of sha-scary," Scott went on, "What about Sierra? Does that girl ever shut up? I'd hate to be that Cody guy. He probably turned down competing this season just because of her."

"If she's bound and gagged I'd give her a six, otherwise three," stated Duncan.

"Who's sha-Sierra anyway?"

"Purple hair, on the other team," Alejandro enlightened his dense teammate. "I likewise would hate to be Cody."

"Oh, that girl? Sha-Lightning gives her a two. She's not that hot."

"How about Courtney?" Alejandro said with a smile, knowing that Duncan wouldn't bring her up himself.

"Can you believe her? She hasn't even yelled at me!" Duncan seethed, "there is something wrong with that girl!"

"Yeah because_ that's_ what you want," Scott started sarcastically, rolling his eyes, "a pain in the ass ex-girlfriend yelling at you."

"She's in my top five."

"What?" said Duncan, sounding annoyed. "With Gwen?"

"Of course, they're two very beautiful girls."

"They're hot alright. But Courtney seems annoying," said Scott.

"Lighting sha-grees."

"You do realize that she was a C.I.T right? And a _cheerleader_..." Duncan said with a laugh.

"Sha-Lightning changes his mind."

"So all that's left is Multiple Loser's girl," commented Scott.

"I'd give her an eight," said Alejandro.

"Seven," said Lightning.

"I dunno, she seems a bit whiny to me. Like she's always begging that Mike guy to save her from something, it's like 'save your own ass for once'," Duncan said. "If I was dating her, well, I would have dumped her by now."

"I thought she was pretty gullible, but I don't know, she impressed me. But I get what you mean about her acting like Mike's got to be her savior or some crap. Zoey's got potential but she treats Multiple Moron like he's freaking superman."

"Jealous much?" Duncan quipped, not really caring if his dirt farming teammate was.

"Me?" Scott laughed weakly, "The last person I'd be jealous of is the Multiple. Nah, as I said Zoey would have potential but she ruins it. It's too bad, but there she is over on team hero because she's afraid to let her nasty side out. And believe me, I've seen it, it's _hot_. She's just too afraid her Multiple boyfriend won't like her standing up for herself."

"Hot huh?" replied Alejandro. "And you say you're not jealous?"

"Shut up," Scott said and turned on his side. Whatever. Zoey didn't even factor in this game, he just wanted to win. And as long as he didn't have dreams about getting nasty with Jo or sharks he'd be okay with Multiple Mike getting the girl. The whole love triangle drama island thing was too cliche anyway.

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_Next up: Zoey reveals the dirty things she wants to do to Manitoba.  
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	3. more girl talk

_A/N; Thanks to Starryoak, TheQueenofBooks1000, acosta, Super Guest, JockShipper, CGL and Riri.  
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_I disagree a little bit with Super Guest, obviously. We know at the end of season four Scott was impressed with Zoey, and thus I think he'd think she's a little bit too good for 'Multiple Mike' who he dislikes. Which doesn't mean that Scott wants her for himself which I don't believe. As for Coderra it's hard to know until Cody makes a cameo whether it is still one-sided or not. But either way Cody has his work cut out of him with Sierra!_

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_**Girl Talk/Guy Talk**  
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"Omigosh! This picture I have of you and Mike kissing is so going on my blog," Sierra gushed. She had her PJs on and was staring at all the pictures she'd been taking so far, scrolling across on her camera.

Zoey just sat there awkwardly. What was she supposed to say to something like that? "Um, okay?"

"You guys are one of the cutest couples ever. I mean I totally thought that you two were never going to get together last season and then true love prevailed in the end!" Sierra exclaimed and then clapped her hands together and looked dreamy. "Ah, it's almost like when Duncney first got together until of course all the cheating occurred."

Courtney appeared non-plussed by what was being said. "Really, I'm fine with it. I'm not going to forgive that evil boyfriend stealer Gwen but I'm not going to give Duncan the time of day. There are better men out there in the world."

"Oooh. Anyone on this island?" Sierra asked, hoping that Courtney would provide her with gossip.

Courtney laughed. "I can't say any of them are really my type."

"I would have thought Lightning was your type. You're both overachievers and he's driven to success as much as you are. He's a lot like you." Zoey said it this time, she actually considered Lightning and Courtney becoming a couple in her wildest fantasies before the two of them actually met. Now come to think of it, Lightning was pretty annoying. There was little wonder no one liked him last season.

"If I didn't have a brain and I lived off protein powder," Courtney rolled her eyes.

"What about Scott? He's kind of a jerk like Duncan but without all that bad boy intrigue," Sierra offered.

"Pass," said Courtney. "I don't like guys just because they're jerks you know."

"Oh," Sierra said. Clearly she hadn't known that. "What about Cameron? He's become much more manly since he's been out of his bubble for the past year."

Zoey and Courtney exchanged a look and then laughed heartily.

"Oh!" Zoey exclaimed holding her sides, "I mean Cameron is one of my best friends but he is not manly!"

"I mean he's not as manly as Cody, duh," Sierra covered, "but he's still _manlier_ then before."

"So what about you Sierra? Are you ever going to give up on Cody? I mean there's got to be plenty of other guys who would find your um... quirks adorable."

"Nope," said Sierra. "Cody's the one for me. Once you've gone Cody you can never go back."

Courtney shivered, "Yeah and that's why nobody 'goes Cody'." Being stuck with Cody as the best boyfriend you could get, that was a horrid notion. But Sierra had never been sane. "So what about you Zoey? I guess you're pretty happy with having 10 guys in one?"

"I much prefer it when he's just Mike."

"So you don't think any of his other personalities are sexy?"

"Well Chester certainly isn't and Vito just creeps me out and Svetlana... don't get me started on Svetlana!"

"I knew it!" Sierra exclaimed, "You have a thing for Manitoba!"

"I.. what?" Zoey was dumbfounded.

"You like it when he wears the hat," Sierra prodded. "Just admit it."

"Well Manitoba isn't entirely... _unsexy_," Zoey admitted in a small voice.

"Ha!" Courtney laughed, "You've got a thing for one of your boyfriend's other personalities! You guys both need therapy."

"They could do couples therapy," Sierra suggested, completely oblivious to how Courtney meant it as an insult.

Zoey laughed too, nervously. "I guess we could."

"I'll be keeping an eye on you and Manitoba," Courtney taunted, "I'll make sure that Mike doesn't come across any hats while we're out here... or maybe I'll make sure he does come across a hat."

"Yeah, I guess that whole Australian accent he does is pretty sexy."

"Don't you mean Manitoba accent?"

"You don't really think they speak like that in Manitoba do you?"

"Well..." Zoey felt a bit sheepish.

"Like everyone in the fandom knows it's Australian," Sierra told her. "Speaking of which, I've always wondered like if Mike had both the fedora on and his shirt off would he become Vito or be Manitoba?"

Zoey blushed, she had no idea which one he would be and she hadn't thought to experiment with Mike's personas. That could turn out badly. "I don't know," she said.

"So have you ever tried to take off his shirt and have had him become Vito on you?"

"Um," Zoey bit her bottom lip, "Well usually Mike doesn't let things get that far. I mean, he's really afraid and..." And why was she talking about this in front of the two other girls on her team that she didn't even know that well? Zoey felt humiliated.

"That'd be the worst," Courtney commented. "I mean I was pretty sure I'd dated the worst before, but not even being able to do anything in case he switches personalities? That's pretty bad."

"It's not that bad," Zoey replied, cringing. "I mean, I love him."

"Yeah, you don't know Courtney! You've never been in _lurve_ like me and Zoey are. I mean I put up with Cody ignoring me all the time, but I just do it because I know he's the love of my life. When you know you know and it's a magical thing."

"I've been in love," Courtney said sharply, annoyed at her purple haired teammate.

"It's okay Courtney, I'm sure it'll happen for you some time." Sierra gave her a sympathetic pat on the back while Courtney seethed. "When you meet _your_ Cody or _your_ Mike, you'll understand what it's like to be a woman in love." Sierra sighed and went into another daydream about her and her Codykins. Sometimes it was really great to be a woman in love, even if the man of her dreams wasn't around right now.

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_Next up: Dating a mutant? How does that work?  
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	4. guy talk plus Duncan

_A/N; Eeeeeee! Camerra. I called it first! Although it's creepy that she thinks he's Cody. But yes, here we go with some more of all this. Wanted to put more Evil Mike in, but might have to next time. He doesn't seem to change as much in front of others (yet).  
Oh thanks to all reviewers as well. You guys are awesome!  
_

_Apologies for the shortness of this._

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_**Girl Talk/Guy Talk**  
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**Post Episode Three:**

"Alright, team winners! This isn't bad." Sure Duncan wasn't a villain anymore but he did like getting to stay in the mansion for another night.

"Well as much as I'd love to get to know our new teammate, I've got to get going to Boney Island," Cameron said.

"Yeah why'd you volunteer for that anyway?" Duncan asked before jumping on a bed and stretching out, "No wait, don't care."

Cameron sighed. "Haven't you guys noticed that Sierra has been calling me Cody lately?"

Duncan started laughing while Mike and Sam exchanged looks.

"I thought you'd be cool with meeting a cool chick on Total Drama. I mean, it's where I met my sweet and badass mutant girlfriend Dakota."

Duncan laughed again, "Yeah but it's Sierra and she's gone psycho-Cody-stalker on you. Plus you don't want to date a chick on this show. That's just asking for trouble."

"You've dated two girls on this show."

"And don't you think that hasn't caused trouble?"

"I guess you do have a point," Cameron said uneasily.

"Don't listen to him Cameron. I couldn't be happier with Zoey and we met on this show. And Sam and Dakota are still together too. You and Sierra could be great together."

"But she keeps touching me," Cameron protested uneasily, "and I have to keep reminding her that I'm not Cody."

"You geeks on team hero have the most messed up relationships ever. You're dating a giant mutant," he pointed to Sam. "Your girlfriend is cool with you turning into different people all the time," Duncan pointed to Mike. "And you want to get busy with Cody's stalker fangirl," and lastly he pointed to Cameron laughing again. "At least hanging out with you guys will be funny."

Cameron frowned. Sam scowled. Mike shook his head, and tried to get in a dig of his own. "So how are things going with Courtney and Gwen Duncan? I see both of them are ignoring you now."

"What of it?" Duncan asked defensively. "Gwen's acting like I got in between her and Courtney! I bet now she's over there right now trying to suck up to her."

"So what were you saying about our relationship problems?" Mike said again.

Duncan's mouth dropped open and then curled into an approving smile. "Touche Multiple, touche."

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_Next up: Heather, Gwen and Courtney back together again.  
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